The Archaeology Lyrics


Song Index

* Major Happy's Up And Coming
        Once Upon A Good Time Band
* Rendezvous
* Questionnaire
* We've Arrived! (And To Prove It We're here)
* Lonely-Phobia
* Unfinished Words
* Hey Mister!
* Easy Listening
* Now She's Left You
* The Knicker Elastic King
* I Love You
* Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik
* Joe Public
* Shangri-La
* Don't Know Why
* Back In '64
* Lullaby
* Baby S'il Vous Plait
* My Little Ukelele

The Songs


Major Happy's Up And Coming Once Upon A Good Time Band

Once upon a good time
on this very day
somewhere in another universe
A band got in a van
and drove for miles on end
They just this minute got here
with no time to rehearse
They've not even had a sound-check
but don't worry folks, it's true!
Whatever Major Happy
did for them, they'll do for you

Here we are
once again
on another one-night stand
Major Happy's
Up And Coming
Once Upon A Good Time Band

Major Happy, Major Happy, Major Happy,
Made ya happy
Major Happy's
Up and coming
easy-going good time band
We're only here
for you out there
So give yourselves a great big hand

Major Happy, Major Happy, Major Happy,
Made ya happy

So put your hands together
and let's really hear it for
Major Happy's Up And Coming
Once Upon A Good Time Band...


Rendezvous

I'm sitting in a Dandelion Den
blowing bits of fluff into the air to tell the time
and welcome anybody passing by

Do you ever come here with a friend?
No, I've never found someone to share my Rendevous...

Do you spend the time like me?
Wishing that you could be free?
Free from all you have to do?
Doing only what you want to?

Oh, yes, of course I do
Ah ha, we thought as much
Hang on! Who are youse?

We're the other members of the band
And who invited you sing along?
Go on, answer that!
Well, no one, we were only passing by

Well kindly keep on going if you please
But we're only trying to help with your song...
But I don't want any help!
Oh, yeah? What about the middle eight?
Oh yeah!

Do you spend the time like me?
Wishing that you could be free?
Free from all you have to do?
Doing only what you want to?


Questionnaire

Hey mister man in the street - excuse me
Do you have a few moments to spare? Oh yeah...
Don't worry, I'm not trying to sell you anything you wouldn't want
I'm just a questionnaire...

Tell me what you think about this low-fat diet shampoo
Do you think it's Crunchy, Half-Cruncy, or Not Crunchy at all?
Put a tick in the appropriate box - there's nothing to it...

Yes/No/Don't Know - I Don't Care
I'm only a Questionnaire, only a Questionnaire...

Please mister man in the street - believe me
I'm only doing my job and I need to know
everything about you, take it easy, all you gotta do
Is answer 'yes' or 'no'...

Tell me what think about the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
Do you think there's one True God, a False God, or No God at all?
Put a tick in the appropriate box - there's nothing to it...

Yes/No/Don't Know - I Don't Care
I'm only a Questionnaire...
Yes/No/Don't Know - I Don't Care
I'm only a Questionnaire, only a Questionnaire...

...Now can you
Tell me what you think about how easy it can be to buy a gun?
Do you think it's Crazy, Half Crazy, or Not Crazy at all?
Put a tick in the appropriate box...


We've Arrived! (And To Prove It We're Here!)

We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And it's suddenly clear
that we're here to stay
for more than a day
maybe a week or a year!

We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived...

From thirty thousand feet above the ocean
flying high in the sky
To thirty thousand fans showin' their devotion
hear them scream and cry!

We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And it's suddenly clear
that we're here to stay
more than a day
Hey! Maybe a week or a year!

We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived! And to prove it we're here
We've Arrived...


Lonely-Phobia

You look forlorn
Too tired to yawn
As pale as the moon
on a bright afternoon
Your face is drawn
You've got Lonely-Phobia
and I only hope ya
get better

You sit and stare
beyond all care
But mirrors don't lie
and the look in your eye
is showing your despair
You've got Lonely-Phobia
and I only hope ya
get better

Another love could set you free
but you're afraid to go
Another love may prove to be
no better than the devil you know

It's late at night
You feel uptight
Your lover's in bed
while the thoughts in your head
are far from light
You've got Lonely-Phobia
and I only hope ya
get better

Another love could set you free
but you're afraid to go
Another love may prove to be
no better than the devil you know

You look forlorn
Too tired to yawn
As pale as the moon
on a bright afternoon
Your face is drawn
You've got Lonely-Phobia
and I only hope ya
get better
You've got Lonely-Phobia
and I only hope ya
get better


Unfinished Words

Unfinished words like these
Unfinished words like Cheese and Onions
help me to write
this Marzipan song
Unfinished words
flying like birds
high in the sky above my Deckchair

I don't like Anchovies
on top of Strawberries
and Cream
Pink Litmus Paper Shirt
Turning Blue
Kippers and Jam
Custard and Spam
are only just the stuff of dreams

I can't pretend to be
someone who pretends to be
someone else
Or so my pretend friend tells me

Unfinished words
flying like birds
Colliding circles in the sky
Left Is Right (And Right Is Wrong)


Hey Mister!

When you woke up this morning
Did you feel all alone?
Did you get a grip on yourself?
Were you just flesh and bone?
Did you long for the center-fold spread
of some bimbo-girl magazine
to appear by your side and physically question
you manhood
and make you come clean?

Hey! Hey Mister - all you need
is a little rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' roll,
rock 'n' roll...

When you woke up this morning
did you you feel like hell?
Did you think that some Jevohah's Witness
was a-ringing your bell?
Did you think you were in Babylon?
Did you take a good look around?
Or did you stick your head out the window
and find you could not make a sound?

Hey! Hey Mister - all you need
is a little rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' roll,
rock 'n' roll...

When you woke up this morning
did you get up and go?
Did you take a good at yourself in the mirror
and go on with the show?
Did you picture yourself as a Leonardo
Da Vinci with wrinkles and curls?
Or did you see just another piece of Modern Art
like "The Peppermint Tower In Praise Of Greedy Little Girls"?

Hey! Hey Mister - all you need
is a little rock 'n' roll, rock 'n' roll,
rock 'n' roll...


Easy Listening

Easy Listening
I'm in that easy listening mode
Easy Listening
Why don't we do it in the
middle of the road?
Kick off your shoes
sit back, relaxez-vouz
Tell me what more can
an old rocker do?

Easy listening
Easy listening

Easy listening
Never mind the world outside
Easy listening
Famine, war and genocide
Easy listening
Forget the looney on the loose
Easy listening
Rising crime and child abuse

Ignore the poisoned atmosphere
Open up another beer
The media feeds ya everyday
what to think and say

Kick off your shoes
sit back, relaxez-vous
relaxez-vous, relaxez-vous, relaxez-vous...
Tell me what more can
an old rocker do?
rocker do, rocker do...

Easy listening
Life could be a dream...
Easy listening


Now She's Left You

Now she's left you
Left you for another guy
Now she's left you
and you feel you wanna die
She's no longer by your side
and your tears you cannot hide
Now she's left you, my friend
Now she's left you

Now she's left you
and you're feeling so alone
Now she's left you
sat beside a telephone
that pulls at your heartstrings
every time it rings
Now she's left you, my friend
Now she's left you

Your love is up to date my friend today
Yesterday has gone and tomorrow's on its way

Now she's left you
and you don't know what to do
Now she's left you
Go and find somebody new
You have my sympathy
for she did the same to me
Now she's left you, my friend
Now she's left you

Now she's left you, my friend
Now she's left you


The Knicker Elastic King

He used to travel in bath cubes
until the slump came
Faced with redundancy
he turned his mind to other things
and soon became a household name
Knicker Elastic - everybody used it
Knicker Elastic - nobody refused it
The Knicker Elastic King
The Knicker Elastic King

A self-made man with a business to run
A something to sell - to everyone
The Knicker Elastic King

He grew so rich the Gnomes of Zurich
were green with envy
The darling of the Stock Exchange
made the New Year's Honours List
and won the Queen's Award to Industry
Knicker Elastic - essence of propriety
Knicker Elastic - upholder of society
The Knicker Elastic King
Ooh la la...

His rubber business kept expanding
but then disaster...
Ee bah gum!

The price of raw materials
coupled with inflation
squeezed his global holdings
his liquid assets bottomed out
and shrunk his retail outlet operation

...And that's the story of
The Knicker Elastic King...
and market forces
The Knicker Elastic King...
'Horses for courses'

A self-made man with a business to run
And something to sell - to everyone
The Knicker Elastic King
Ooh la la...
The Knicker Elastic King


I Love You

Everytime I see you walk by
there's a certain look in your eye
and your smile says there's something that I
should tell you

Everytime we meet we say "Hi"
"How's it going?" "Fine" we reply
But I wonder what would happen if I
could tell you

I love you
I love you

I don't know why it is
or what you do to me
Vocabulary-wise
with you I'm all at sea

Everytime I'm with you I try
I'm not a shoe-gazin' kind of a guy
but somehow I just come over too shy
to tell you

Why can't I tell you tell how I feel?
It's so absurd
Why does my tongue get tied on
three little words?

I feel as if I'm falling apart
Do I blame my head or my heart?
Because I stop every time I start
to tell you

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you


Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik

Look at all the nice things money can buy
Every day there's more and more
Do you ever stop and wonder why
you're neither rich nor poor?

Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik...

Dropping off the school kids in the second car
Parking on the yellow line
Getting in the shopping on a credit card
Knowing how to choose a wine

Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik...

Proud of your home and your neighbourhood
It's so up-and-coming that you feel so good!

This is freedom in a land of plenty
You get nowhere if you just stand still
You got to hold on to what you got as best you can
'cos if you don't - someone else will

Look at all the nice things money can buy
Every day there's more and more
Do you ever stop and wonder why
you need to lock your door?

Loneliness is all that
people ever share
Smuggling their pain through
'Nothing To Declare'
Living next to people
who agree to disagree
Happy in a pie-chart
society

Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik...
Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik...


Joe Public

My name is Joe Public - I'm sure you all know me
Sometimes they call me 'the man in the street'
but I don't mind

I've got my place in society
I've got my feet on the ground
I've got my pride and my prejudices
No one can push me around

My name is Joe Public - I'm sure you all know me
Sometimes they call me 'the proletariat'
but I don't mind

They know me for my common sense
They know they can't please all of me
They know I can't be fooled - all of the time
I am what I am and I'm happy to be
Joe Public, that's me
Joe Public, that's me
I put my faith in the powers that be
Joe Public - that's me

My name is Joe Public - I'm sure you all know me
Sometimes they call me 'the great unwashed'
but I don't mind

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names can never hurt me
I've got my pride and my prejudices
I am what I am and I'm happy to be
Joe Public, that's me
Joe Public, that's me
Joe Public, that's me
Joe Public, that's me
I put my faith in the powers that be
Joe Public - that's me

I put my faith in the powers that be...
I'm sure you all know me...


Shangri-La

Did you ever get the feeling
that the truth is less revealing
than a downright lie?
And did you think your head was hip
to certain things it's not equipped
to qualify?

All day long the sky is blue
and everyone says "how do you do"
in Shangri-La
Every day's a perfect day
and you can go your own sweet way
in Shangri-La

In Shangri-La...
In Shangri-La...
You can be whoever you are
In Shangri-La

Investment with a good return
provides the means through which we earn
our daily bread
Insisting on an equal cut
some people even bust a gut
to stay ahead

All day long the sky is blue
and no one has a lot to do
in Shangri-La

In Shangri-La...
In Shangri-La...
You can be whoever you are
In Shangri-La

It's a strange world we live in
but surely we're forgiven
if we don't know where to turn
With paradise for hire
on the back streets of desire
we all live and learn

All day long the sky is blue
and everyone's in love with you
in Shangri-La
Lovers dance and children sing
and everybody does their thing
in Shangri-La

In Shangri-La...
In Shangri-La...
You can be whoever you are
In Shangri-La-hah-hah-hah
In Shangri-La...
In Shangri-La...
You can be whoever you are
In Shangri-La

All together now...
1... 2... 3...

Lah-dee-doo-dah
Lah-dee-dah
Here we are
in Shangri-La...


Don't Know Why

I
don't know why
the world turns out to be
the way
it is
as time goes by

Oh, I
don't know why
true love turns out to be
the stuff
between
hello - and goodbye

Looking back
with 20/20 hindsight
we only tried to play our part
When selfishness is state of the art
you've just got to change the locks on your heart

No, I
don't know why
true love turns out to be
the stuff
between
hello - and goodbye

Looking back
with 20/20 hindsight
we only did the best we could
As green as any Norwegian Wood
the acid test of fame we withstood

Now I
don't know why
the world turns out to be
the way
it is
as time goes by

Oh, I
don't know why
true love turns out to be
the stuff
between
hello - and goodbye


Back In '64

Many years from now
when your grandchildren climb up on your knee
you may be quite astonished to see
how many channels they can change on TV

When some old film in black and white
comes on and there you are up on the screen
or is it someone just like someone you've been
looking not a day over nineteen

"Grandad..." the little ones are asking you
"Why do you look so sad?"
So you tell them all about the fun you had...

"Back in '64, before you were born
people had no time for pouring scorn
or scoring porn...
On dreams of love and peace
No one was obese
Only tight trousers were worn

"Back in '64 we were at it like knives
Back in '64, the time of our lives
was in the present tense
Now, does that make common sense?
Any more than girls with hair-do's
called 'beehives'?

"Back in '64, before you were born...
Back in '64, before you were born..."

But as you've gone on and on
your audience has flown
and as you find yourself all on your own

You may wistfully recall
how Benjamin Disraeli said that:
"Life is too short to be small"
or maybe...
Like some old time song
over all it's long - so
so long... it's all over.


Lullaby
(Archaeology Bonus Track in Japan only)

Mummy's twenty something
Daddy's over thirty
Go to sleep my baby
And don't do that - it's dirty...


Baby S'il Vous Plait
(Shangri-la single and Japanese Archaeology bonus track)
(French Version of Baby Let Me Be)
 
Baby s'il vous plait
Parlez-vous Anglais?
J'ai boire de trop
Le vin du pays
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait

Baby s'il vous plait
Je ne parle vous Francais
J'ai un lonely heart
Like a Bonaparte
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait
          Ce soir!

Vous l'avez faire n'est-ce pas?
Je suis un grand Rock Star
Mon serpent de pantalon
Fait encore le c'est si bon

Baby s'il vous plait
Je ne parle vous Francais
J'ai un lonely heart
Like a Bonaparte
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait
          Rock on!

Vous l'avez faire n'est-ce pas?
Je suis un grand Rock Star
Mon serpent de pantalon
Fait encore le c'est si bon
Fait encore le c'est si bon

Baby s'il vous plait
Parlez-vous Anglais?
J'ai boire de trop
Le vin du pays
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait
Voulez-vous cacher
Ma saucisse - s'il vous plait
          Ce soir, baby!

(loose English transalation)
Baby, please
Do you speak English?
I drank too much
Country Wine
You want to hide
My sausauge - please

Baby, please
I do not speak French
I have a lonely heart
Like a Bonaparte
You want to hide
My sausauge - please
          Tonight!

You have nothing to do?
I am a great Rock star
My snake in my pants
Still does it well

Baby, please
I do not speak French
I have a lonely heart
Like a Bonaparte
You want to hide
My sausauge - please
          Rock on!

You have nothing to do?
I am a great Rock star
My snake in my pants
Still does it well
Still does it well

Baby, please
Do you speak English?
I drank too much
Country Wine
You want to hide
My sausauge - please
You want to hide
My sausauge - please
You want to hide
My sausauge - please
          Tonight, baby!


My Little Ukelele
(Archaeology Bonus Track in Japan only)

All the world's a stage they say
And I've seen many things
Standing with my little ukelele in the wings

I've seen bearded ladies
And strong men with iron bars
I've seen cheeky chorus girls
Hob-nobbing with the stars

Yes, all the world's a stage they say
And I've seen many things
Standing with my little ukelele in the wings

Once a leading lady
Was clearly in distress
She asked if I could help her
With the fasteners on her dress
You should have seen the outcome
I almost broke me strings!
Standing with my little ukelele in the wings

I've seen song and dance men
Being heckled by cat-calls
And a buxon bare-back rider
Make a juggler drop his clubs!

Yes, all the world's a stage
And you won't believe the things
I've seen standing with my little...
Standing my little...
Standing with my little ukelele in the wings!





All lyrics reproduced with the kind permission of Neil Innes Music Ltd.


This page created November 9, 1996.
Japanese Archaeology bonus tracks added December 11, 1996.

Baby S'il Vous Plait translation with the help of Chris Combs
and Jeffrey French added May 1, 1998.

Rutles 96 | Dirk Is Deaf | Live Photos | Press Photos | News | Lyrics | Home


Original Content Copyright © 1995-2017, Adam Forrest